Equidistant depression

I cannot advise that this one will make sense.

In this week's episode i am fighting being sick...

with a side order of depression...

Sick enough to take several days off work--because of really being sick,

which, in an of itself, sucks. I hate wasting time off

in actually being sick, much less several days involving a tough

to beat chest cold, night fevers and weakness.

There does seem to be truth in that the older you get the harder

standard type sickness hits you.

Years ago, I wouldn't have dropped my rucksack for this level of being sick.

I would have humped right through it.

Now everything stops.

Does one become depressed because one is sick?

Or is one sick because one is depressed?

The singular advantage of sickness is the fevered state.

A fever can allow freedom to thoughts not normally available in our usual states of mind.

One night this past week, suffering a fever and unable to sleep, it came to me that 

when i become depressed, as i am, there may be a logical reasoning behind the depression:

The equidistance of a series of problems from possible solutions.

No matter how i crunch the possible solutions to some problems

 in my tiny brain there are often

zero solutions available as a result of the distance of the problem from

my toolbox of possible solutions. 

The problem simply cannot be touched to be worked upon.

The problem remains consistently out of reach. 

Looming on the horizon.

A visual representation, as to how an equidistant problem affects me mentally

 would be in the following manner:

If all the planets in our solar system were equidistant from Earth

Saturn would appear to us in the sky in this manner:

Huge, looming, and consistently present but terminally out of reach

while standing on the surface of the earth.

Current problems are radiating, rotating about me

 equidistant in time.

Both impossible to ignore and impossible at my point in time and space,

to solve.

Fuck.

The one thing for sure i will say an electronic reading device has done for me is,

I am devouring books again.

The latest is, 

Big, Dead Place.

the non-fiction story of a garbage man at the McMurdo Station in Antarctica.

Both an excellent read and unique story especially if you are into

the ice station, edge of the world thing as I am. 

Soon to be followed in consumption by the Howard Hughes favorite:

Ice Station Zebra, 

already downloaded onto the machine.

"Once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression

where i loose all sense of oneness and self worth."

Bo Burham

holding pattern

I've learned that practicing the guitar and watchmaking are
and should be winter endeavors.

I am continually, thought experimenting the restoration, on the yet to materialize,
 Alfa Giulia Super or Spider.

I have mentally organized the work, our garage, my tools, the entire process,

all within my very strange brain, as i research these vehicles for retirement purchase.

 It is, for now, only all on the inside.

I am marking time till retirement by the passing of the seasons, not by counting the days.

A Stonehenge retirement countdown clock, in a manner of speaking.

I don't want to count the days till the end of work that would be both weird and 
very karmic provoking.

Writing my old blog, the angry, end of the world commentary I would write

received 100 hits a day.

This blog, kinder, gentler, gets 7 hits a day.

I'd rather have less hits and not be so angry any longer.

"I'm thankful for weird people out there,

'cause they're some of the most creative people."

Channing Tatum

It leaked oil when it got here.

We have cherries...real, tasty cherries in the desert.
A real photo below of our real cherries.

Doing small inside jobs this weekend--

Eliminating the little things that pile up to become major roadblocks.

I am also enjoying just hanging, on a weekend to which
I added a day off on the following Monday...
The temperature's here are starting their usual sudden climb.
We are working on getting acclimatized to 
the summer that is coming.

I have been researching for the retirement, older car project.
I can't say vintage because real vintage cars are now
priced out of regular human reality.
Vintage cars now, like everything else belong to the 1%.
A search across the usual sale sites, every possible brand and model,
through all available literature has resulted in the fact that
 I have now begun to focus, attempting to manifest 
a particular brand and model. 
Me being me, the choice could not be anything normal or easy.
I want a
A 1972 through 1974 Alfa Romeo Giulia Super 1.6 sedan.....

This particular Alfa is out there--offered for sale in odd moments,

in varying conditions from trashed to awesome.

The Giulia Super's are a beautiful Italian sedan designed 

so that the Italian family man could maintain some respect

in daily drama of  Italian, formula one style, commuting.

This 4 door racer is powered by 4 cylinder,

double overhead cam, 1.6 liter, with dual Weber carburettors , 

 which in and of itself is art

something only the Italians can do to an engine. 

At the moment there is nothing I can do with this project

other than research, study, thought experiment and

manifest.
I want this vehicle--
To endlessly wash and detail,
to tighten bolts and make new again.
To drive it quickly and with aplomb,
  the passenger windows rolled down,
 to breakfast in town with my JoJo, in the cool
of New Mexico retirement spring mornings.

I am carrying my Walkman DC10 cassette player 

with me in my daily street bag.

I bought this Walkman and the matching earbuds in 1988 

while I was working in Tokyo.

36 years old and still working..only slightly larger than the cassette tape it plays and

powered by one AA battery.

It was the height of technology then, and still a joy to me now

when i fire it up and music comes out.

My Darling JoJo gave me an Amazon Paperwhite Kindle reader

for my upcoming birthday. 

It is amazing.
 I am looking forward to utilizing it for years to come.

 I am currently studying 

the required operation.

As part of the learning curve with this new object, i ordered 
the following books--very simply to do and are automatically
download to your personal machine---
The Paperwhite system of reading is incredibly
easy on my now older eyes.
I can sit and read without fatiguing easily 
as with a real book due to the lighting qualities of 
a machine specifically designed for reading and reading only.

and:

and:

Such a contradiction am I,
carrying a 36 year old cassette Walkman in the
same bag as an endless electronic library.
I am both lifted and dismayed by this variance within me. 

"Until one has loved an animal

a part of one's soul remains unawakened."

Anatole France